How about a good laugh.....

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How about a good laugh.....

Postby Dub-Style » Mon Nov 11, 2002 9:40 pm

A farmer is sitting in the village pub getting pissed.
A man comes in and asks the farmer, 'Hey, why are you
sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?'

Farmer: 'Some things you just can't explain.'

Man: 'So what happened that is so horrible?'

Farmer: 'Well, if you must know, today I was sitting
by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about
full, she took her left leg and kicked it over'

Man: 'That's not so bad, what's the big deal?'

Farmer: 'Some things you just can't explain. '

Man: 'So then what happened?'

Farmer: 'I took her left leg and tied it to the post
on the left with some rope. Then I sat down and
continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about
full she took her right leg and kicked it over. '

Man: 'Again? So what did you do then?'

Farmer: 'I took her right leg and tied it to the post
on the right. '

Man: 'And then what.'

Farmer: 'I sat back down and continued to milk her and
just as I got the bucket just about full, the stupid
cow knocked over the bucket with her tail.'

Man: 'Wow, you must have been pretty upset.'

Farmer: 'Some things you just can't explain.'

Man: 'So then what did you do?'

Farmer: 'Well, I didn't have any more rope, so I took
off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. At that
moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in.'

:lol:
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Postby Setzer » Tue Nov 12, 2002 3:34 am

LOL! I dunno' any good jokes, but I do have these if you have flash and like animation in Southpark style. Beebo is rather amusing, although the second episode is the best. The first is right behind it :D.

http://www.godfart.com/view.php?id=beebo/view&i=Beebo1
http://www.godfart.com/view.php?id=beebo/view&i=Beebo2
http://www.godfart.com/view.php?id=beebo/view&i=Beebo3
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Postby Dub-Style » Wed Nov 13, 2002 8:54 am

IF AIRLINES SOLD PAINT.......


Customer: Hi. How much is your paint?

Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends on quite a lot of things.

Customer: Can you give me a guess? Is there an average price?

Clerk: Our lowest price is $12 a gallon, and we have 60 different prices up to $200 a gallon.

Customer: What's the difference in the paint?

Clerk: Oh, there isn't any difference; it's all the same paint.

Customer: Well, then I'd like some of that $12 paint.

Clerk: When do you intend to use the paint?

Customer: I want to paint tomorrow. It's my day off.

Clerk: Sir, the paint for tomorrow is the $200 paint.

Customer: When would I have to paint to get the $12 paint?

Clerk: You would have to start very late at night in about 3 weeks. But you will have to agree to start painting before Friday of that week and continue painting until at least Sunday.

Customer: You've got to be *&%^#@* kidding!

Clerk: I'll check and see if we have any paint available.

Customer: You have shelves FULL of paint! I can see it!

Clerk: But it doesn't mean that we have paint available. We sell only a certain number of gallons on any given weekend. Oh, and by the way, the price per gallon just went to $16. We don't have any more $12 paint.

Customer: The price went up as we were talking?

Clerk: Yes, sir. We change the prices and rules hundreds of times a day, and since you haven't actually walked out of the store with your paint yet, we just decided to change. I suggest you purchase your paint as soon as possible. How many gallons do you want?

Customer: Well, maybe five gallons. Make that six, so I'll have enough.

Clerk: Oh no, sir, you can't do that. If you buy paint and don't use it, there are penalties and possible confiscation of the paint you already have.

Customer: WHAT?

Clerk: We can sell enough paint to do your kitchen, bathroom, hall and north bedroom, but if you stop painting before you do the bedroom, you will lose your remaining gallons of paint.

Customer: What does it matter whether I use all the paint? I already paid you for it!

Clerk: We make plans based upon the idea that all our paint is used, every drop. If you don't, it causes us all sorts of problems.

Customer: This is crazy!! I suppose something terrible happens if I don't keep painting until after Saturday night!

Clerk: Oh yes! Every gallon you bought automatically becomes the $200 paint.

Customer: But what are all these, "Paint on sale from $10 a gallon" signs?

Clerk: Well that's for our budget paint. It only comes in half-gallons. One $5 half-gallon will do half a room. The second half-gallon to complete the room is $20. None of the cans have labels, some are empty and there are no refunds, even on the empty cans.

Customer: To hell with this! I'll buy what I need somewhere else!

Clerk: I don't think so, sir. You may be able to buy paint for your bathroom and bedrooms, and your kitchen and dining room from someone else, but you won't be able to paint your connecting hall and stairway from anyone but us. And I should point out, sir, that if you paint in only one direction, it will be $300 a gallon.

Customer: I thought your most expensive paint was $200!

Clerk: That's if you paint around the room to the point at which you started. A hallway is different.

Customer: And if I buy $200 paint for the hall, but only paint in one direction, you'll confiscate the remaining paint.

Clerk: No, we'll charge you an extra use fee plus the difference on your next gallon of paint. But I believe you're getting it now, sir.

Customer: You're insane!

Clerk: Thanks for painting with United.
[/b]
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Postby Setzer » Wed Nov 13, 2002 3:48 pm

OK I don't get that one Dub. Yeah it's amusig, but is it based on something real? Mind you I fly all the time - in FS2K Pro... :p!
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Postby DLinkOZ » Wed Nov 13, 2002 5:06 pm

Here's one my mom sent me today (yeah, she's a few bricks short of a wall):



Ole and Sven were fishing when Sven pulled out a cigar but didn't have a lighter so he asked Ole for a light.


"Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter," he replied and reached into his tackle box and pulled out a 12-inch BIC lighter. "Yiminy Cricket!" exclaimed Sven, "Vhere did ya get dat monster??" "Vell," replied Ole, "I got it from My Genie." "You haff a genie? Could I see him?" Sven asked. "Ya, Shure, he's right here in my tackle box," said Ole.


Ole opens his tackle box and out pops the genie. Sven says, "Hey dere! I'm a good friend of your master. Vill you grant me un vish?" "Yes I will", the genie said, so Sven asks him for a million bucks and the genie hops back into the tackle box and leaves him standing there waiting for his million bucks.


Suddenly the sky begins to darken and the sound of a million ducks flying overhead is heard. Sven yells to Ole, "I asked for a million Bucks, not ducks!" Ole answers, "Ya, I forgot to tell yew, genie is hard of hearing. Do ya really tink I asked him for a 12-inch BIC?"
"Proving the human condition, one idiot at a time"
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Postby Dub-Style » Fri Nov 15, 2002 3:46 am

LoL! Good one Oz. I think I've heard it before but you can still aways get a laugh from it. Heres another for everyone.

God calls Boris Yeltsin, Bill Clinton and Bill Gates into his office and says, "The world will end in 30 days. Go back and tell your people." So, Boris Yeltsin goes to the Russian people and says, "I have bad news and I have worse news. The bad news is that we were wrong, there is a God. The worse news is that the world will end in 30 days." Bill Clinton goes on TV and tells the American people, "I have good news and I have bad news. The good news is that the basic family values upon which we have based our lives on are right - there is a God. The bad news is that the world will end in 30 days." Bill Gates goes to his executive committee and says, "I have great news and I have fabulous news. The great news is that God thinks I'm important. The fabulous news is that we don't have to ship Windows XP!" :lol:
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Postby Setzer » Mon Nov 18, 2002 1:22 am

Three guys die and go to Heaven. When they reach the gates, St. Peter tells them that they cannot enter. When they question him, they are told that they have lead the perfect lives, and have not sinned once. This can not be allowed in Heaven, so he sends them each away, to commit one sin before he allows them in.

The first man returns. St. Peter asks this man what he has done to sin. He tells St. peter that he had unmarried sex, and therefore comitted adultery. St. Peter commands the man to drink fromt he holy-water and opens the gates to allow the man to pass.

About an hour later, the second man returns. St. Peter asks this man what he has done to sin. The second man tells St. peter that he broke into his neighbor's house and stole several precious family posessions. St. Peter commands the man to drink fromt he holy-water and opens the gates to allow the man to pass.

Finally, the third man returns. St. Peter asks this man what he has done to sin. The man replies, "I pissed in the holy-water."
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Postby Dub-Style » Mon Nov 18, 2002 8:56 am

A man and a woman on their way to their wedding get in a car wreck and die. They then find themselves standing in front of the pearly gates where St. Peter greets them both. He lets them know that they both lived sinless lives and both were welcomed in heaven. The man and woman have a decent talk with St. Peter and ask him if it were possible for them to get married in heaven and spend eternity with one another since that was there plan. Peter thinks for a minute tells them to hang tight and not to go anywhere. Peter takes off into heaven leaving them standing at the gates. Hours go by, no Peter. Days go by, no Peter. Months go by, still no Peter. A little over two years finally Peter shows up again and tell them that he had good new. That he found a priest and that the priest is more than willing to marry them. Well since Peter was gone so long the couple had another question for Peter. They wanted to know if the marriage did not turn out the way the planed would there be a way that they could get divorced. Peter narrows his eyes slams his fist upon the altar and quotes: “Damn it! It took me over 2 years to find you a priest up here! Can you imagine how long its going to take me to find a lawyer?!”
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Postby Setzer » Mon Nov 18, 2002 5:09 pm

A firefighter dies a horrible death in a fire one evening. When he arrives at the gates of Heaven, St. Peter reviews his record and tells him that he is welcome to enter Heaven, but wanted to know exactly what happened that caused his death, since the man had been in much worse situations before. The man explained that he was from Texas, and started bragging about how much bigger and better things were out in Texas. He said he'd fought fires as big as some small states and won. This continued for quite some time, when he finally explained that a new guy on the squad didn't know how to help him, which was why he became trapped and died.

St. Peter looked at the fireman and asked him to follow him. St. Peter took the man to the edge of Heaven and told him to look down. Below was an enormous fire. Below was Hell. The fireman look at St. peter and asked, "You want me to put that out for you?"


No, this wasn't intended as anything offensive for you Texan-freaks :p!
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Postby Dub-Style » Sun Nov 24, 2002 8:43 am

After a long night of making love, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand.

"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied.

He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the guy began to worry.

"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.

"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.

"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.

"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.

Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the operation."
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Postby Setzer » Sun Nov 24, 2002 7:14 pm

OK, that's just too disgusing to laugh at.
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Postby Dub-Style » Sun Nov 24, 2002 11:26 pm

LOL I think thats funny. Ok heres one that doesnt affect you that way.



Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.:

It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before.:

Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones's sales pitch.:

Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said: "If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries.:

If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000.""Now," he concluded, "which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?"
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Postby Setzer » Mon Nov 25, 2002 11:17 pm

LOL!

OK, here's a TRUE story that shows the f*cking idiocy in humanity.

A man purchases a new Winnebago (bet I spelled it wrong) and keeps it at home for a few months. Now he decides to visit his family for the holidays in his new Winnebago so he won't have to buy a motel room or be stuck with somebody else. He gets on the road and drives for several hours. The time nears lunch and he is hungry. He sets the cruise control on 70mph, gets up, and goes to the back to fix himself a sandwich! The vehicle obviously drives right off the road and is in a wreck, but the man survives. He then sues the maker for over a million and wins because they didn't put anything in the owner's manual about the cruise control NOT driving the vehicle down the road for you.

True story here guys. That is SO f*cking pathetic, is it not? Along with the million he won, he got a brand new Winnebago. Since when did 99% of the population lose all common sense? If he was dumb enough to do it, and the court was dumb enough to award the man with all that money and a new motor-home, does that make those of us (for the most part) on these forums demi-gods?
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Here we go again!!

Postby Dub-Style » Mon Jan 20, 2003 2:01 am

To prepare for his big date, a young man went on top of
the roof of his apartment building in order to get a little
colour for himself.
Not wanting any tan lines to show, he sunbathed in the
nude.
Unfortunately, he fell asleep whilst on the roof and
sunburned his Johnson.
Being very determined the young man decided not to
miss his date, because it was a hot blonde. So, he put
some lotion on his manhood and wrapped it in gauze,
feeling this should resolve his painful situation.
The blonde showed up for the date at his apartment, and
the young man treated her to a home cooked dinner,
after which they went into the living room to watch a
film. During the movie, however, the young
man's sunburn started acting up. After several minutes
of extreme discomfort, he asked to be excused.
A friend had told him that milk was very effective in
reducing sunburn pain so he went to the kitchen, and
poured a tall, cold, glass of milk.
He then plonked his sunburned member in the milk and
experienced immediate relief.
The blonde, however, wondering what he was doing,
wandered into the kitchen to find him with his "tool"
immersed in the glass of milk.
With a look of understanding the blonde exclaimed,
"Ah, ... so that's how you load those things ....."

:lol:
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True That!!!! LOL

Postby Dub-Style » Fri Feb 07, 2003 5:51 am

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met.
After a
>perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was,
>of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple
>was driving their perfect car along a winding road, when they noticed
>someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple,
>they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of
>toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas,
>the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon
>they were driving along delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving
>conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple; and Santa Claus had an
>accident. Only one of them survived the accident.
>
>Question: Who was the survivor?
>
>(Scroll down for the answer. Trust me, it's worth it)
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>Answer:
>The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in
>the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no
>such thing as a perfect man.
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>**** Women stop reading here, that is the end of the joke.
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>**** Men keep scrolling.
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>So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the woman must
>have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.
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>Men Keep scrolling
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>By the way, if you're a woman and you're still reading, this
>illustrates another point: Women never listen.
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