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Postby Dub-Style » Sun Jun 10, 2001 2:20 pm

Just though I post and see if I could share a few laugh with all y'all. Let see how long this goes for.

Upon reaching his seat on the plane, a man is suprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. As they're awaiting takeoff, he asks the flight attendent for a coffee. THe parrot squawks, "And get me a whiskey, you cow."
Flustered, the attendant brings back a whiskey for the parrot, but forgets the man's coffee. When this omission is pointed out to her, the parrot drains its glass and screeches, "and get me another whiskey while your at it, you bitch."
Quite upset, the girl come back with another whiskey, but still no coffee.
Unaccustomed to such slackness, the man tries the parrot's approach. "I've asked you twice for a coffee. Get it now or I will slap you."
A moment later, both he and the parrot are thrown off the plane by two burly security guards. As they walk back towards the terminal, the parrot turn to him and says, "For someone who can't fly, you sure are a lippy bastard." [img]images/smiles/icon_biggrin.gif[/img]
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Postby DLinkOZ » Thu Jun 14, 2001 1:34 am

A man is heading home after a long fishing trip. He smells of bad salmon and isn't too happy with his haul.

While going over an overpass, a cop swings out and pulls him over. This is one seriously disturbed cop, a real dickhead. He starts badgering the fisherman, and insulting him due to his odor. He ends his statements by questioning whether or not the man actually has a job and can pay the ticket he's writing. The man replies "Yes, I have a good job. I'm a rectum stretcher. Sometimes I can stretch em up to 6 feet in diameter."

To this, the cop replies "What the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?" The man replies with "give him a radar gun and park his ass under a bridge".
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Postby Dub-Style » Sat Jun 16, 2001 6:06 pm

Thats a good one Dave. Heres another for ya.


One fine morning a chicken and a horsee are playing through the field when all of a sudden the horse falls into a deep mud hole. The horse slowly starts to sink into the earth. Within seconds the horse tells the chicken to hurry back to the farm and get the farmer to help.

The chicken runs off back to the farm yet the farmer is no where to be found. Without a single thought the chicken steal the farmer's Mercedes and some rope and heads oback to the horse. The chicken then ties the rope to the back bumper of the Mercedes and throws the other end to the horse. The horse grabs on and is pulled out to safety.

The following morning the horse and chicken are playing in the field again when this time the chicken falls into the mud hole. The chicken asks the horse to get the farmers help, but the horse has a better idea. The Horse says, "I will stand over the hole and I want you to grab on to my cock and I will pull you out to safety." With this in mind the chicken does exactly what the horse tells him to do. And the two live to see another day.


The moral of the story: "If your hung like a horse you dont need a Mercedes to pick up chicks." [img]images/smiles/icon_biggrin.gif[/img]
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Postby Mr.Magoo » Sat Jun 16, 2001 9:19 pm

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the
difference between potentially and realistically?"

The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and ask your brother if he'd sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars.

Come back and tell me what you learn from that."

So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Robert
Redford for a million dollars?"

The mother replied, "Of course I would. I wouldn't pass up an opportunity like that."

The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"

The girl replied, "Would I? I would just love to do that! I would be nuts to pass up that opportunity!"

The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Tom
Cruise for a million dollars?"

"Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million could buy?"

The boy pondered that for a few days, then went back to his dad. His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?"

The boy replied, "Yes, sir. Potentially, we're sitting on three million dollars, but realistically, we're living with two sluts and a fag."
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Postby DLinkOZ » Sun Jun 17, 2001 1:52 am

lol, so far I think Magoo has pulled away.
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Postby Mr.Magoo » Sun Jun 17, 2001 7:59 am

A little rabbit is happily running through the forest when he stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a joint. The rabbit looks at her and says,

"Giraffe my friend, why do you do this? Come with me running through the forest, you'll see, you'll feel so much better!" The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit.

Then they come across an elephant doing coke, so the rabbit again says,

"Elephant my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health. Come running with us through the pretty forest, you'll see, you'll feel
So good!"

The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and all, then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe.

The three animals then come across a lion about to shoot up and the rabbit again says,

"Lion my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health! ... Come running with us through the sunny forest, you will feel so good!"

The lion looks at him, puts down his needle, and starts to beat the shit out of the rabbit.

As the giraffe and elephant watch in horror, they look at him and ask,

"Lion, why did you do this? ... He was merely trying to help us all!"

The lion answers, "That little fucker! He makes me run around the forest like an idiot each time he is on ecstasy!"
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Postby [OESM]DeckonFrost-AS- » Sun Jun 17, 2001 10:14 pm

One day in the wilderness there was a fly buzzing a few inches above a river. A fish in the river saw that fly and thought: "When that fly drops, I'm gonna jump and get it".
Over on the river bank was a bear. The bear thought to himself: "When that fly drops, and that fish jumps to eat the fly, I'm gonna run out and grab that fish.
Back in the woods, a hunter saw the bear and thought: "When that fly drops, the fish jumps, and the bear runs out to grab for the fish, I'm gonna shoot that bear..."
In the bushes near the hunter was a field mouse, and it thought to itself: "When that fly drops, the fish jumps, the bear runs out, the hunter stands to shoot that bear he's gonna drop his sandwich. I'll run out and grab that sandwich."
A mountain lion in a tree near the hunter thinks to himself: "When that fly drops, the fish jumps, the bear runs out, the hunter stands, and the mouse runs out for the sandwich, I'm gonna pounce on that mouse..."

Well all of a sudden it happens. The fly drops, the fish jumps and eats the fly, the bear runs out and grabs the fish, the hunter stands and shoots the bear and drops his sandwich, the mouse runs out and grabs the sandwich, and the mountian lion pounces on the mouse but missed and lands in the river.

The moral of the story: When a fly drops, a pussy gets wet.

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Postby Dub-Style » Tue Jun 19, 2001 6:52 pm

A guy goes to jail for his first time and get locked up with this big black dude. The black guy stares him up and down looks him dead in the eyes. With a stern voices the black guy say, "So, whos the wife and whos the husband!?" The new guy think to himself, and chuckles a bit followed with him saying,"I'll be the husband." The black guy says, "GOOD! Then get over here and suck your wifes dick!"
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Postby Mr.Magoo » Thu Jun 21, 2001 3:30 pm

Number of physicians in the US: 700,000.

Accidental deaths caused by physicians per year: 120,000.

Accidental deaths per physician....0.171 (U.S. Dept. of Health & Human Services)

Number of gun owners in the US: 80,000,000.

Number of accidental gun deaths per year (all age groups) 1,500.

Accidental deaths per gun owner: 0.0000188


Statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.

"FACT: Not everyone has a gun, but everyone has a Doctor."

Please alert your friends to this alarming threat. We must ban doctors before this gets out of hand.

Remember: guns don't kill people, doctors do.
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Postby [OESM]Sephiroth » Sun Jun 24, 2001 1:00 pm

A tall guy sits down at a fifth-story bar and asks the bartender for a bucket. Though confused, the bartender places a small bucket in front of the man. The man then tells the bartender to take one shot of everything he had and mix it into the bucket for him. When the bartender is done, the man drinks it all, waits for a minute, then runs and jumps out of the window! A few minutes later, the man steps out of the elevator, and asks the bartender for another round. Once again, the man jumps out of the window, and once again he steps out of the elevator a few minutes later. Another guy at the bar sits down beside the tall man and asks him if that hurt. The man replied "No.", then took another round and jumped out the window again. This other guy asks the bartender for a bucket and the same drink. He then waits a few moments, and runs and jumps out the window. The bartender looks down and says "Somebody call 911, Superman's fucking with my customers again!"
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Postby Dub-Style » Sat Jun 30, 2001 7:25 pm

One day a Canadian and an American are standing on the border of the two. The Canadian see a bottle poking out from the surface and digs is up. The label is hard to read so the Canadian rubs it clean. At the moment a genie pops out. The genie looks at the Canadian then at the American and speaks to them. "Each of you have one wish and one wish only so chose wise. You have the honor of the first wish since you have awoken me," speaking to the Canadian.

The Canadian take a moment to think. "Genie! I want a 200ft wall built around Canada, so no one can get in and no one can get out!" The Canadian smerks and looks at the American.

Poof! The wall then emerges from the ground 200ft high. Nothing gets in, nothing gets out. The genie then turns his look at the American. "And for your wish?"

The American takes a moment to think also. He then looks at the Canadian chuckles a bit and returns his look at the genie. "Genie! Fill it with water!" [img]images/smiles/icon_biggrin.gif[/img]
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